Some
months ago, I talked with a young couple who faced some situations they
considered abnormal in their relation. According their words the day they did not
have some conflicts it´s probably because a worse situation will come, for them
every single problems are part their daily bread, said the young spouse, while
the husband stated, ´´I am afraid when my wife keep silence with me.´´ Their lack
of communication is not anything scare when they stay home together; they often
prefer activities that may help them avoid conflict when they are at home, for
example watch videos on YouTube, or chat to some friends on Whatsapp or Facebook,
in other case they involves themselves in specific activity where the other is
not so relevant.
As I may
observe from outside this couple face some poisonous behaviors in their
relationship, like pride, resentment, hatred, manipulation, disrespect,
emotional and verbal violence that erode their matrimony. Worst none of them felt
sufficiently strong to accept their errors, and restart. When I heard them, they
continuously focus in the other as the responsible of the deterioration of
their relationship, none of them are responsible. This couple can be an example
for several other couples who have similar situation. Therefore, I like this
admonition made by Joe J. Christensen, when he exhorted us; ´´Avoid ceaseless
pinpricking. Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none
of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our
leaders have urged us to become.
“‘Ceaseless
pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any
marriage. … Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we
don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a
result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we
offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive” (p. 19).
My
question, can I consider the lack of any plan will lead them to the brink of
failure? If there is something they should do to save their marriage, what
would it be? To respond to those questions, I like what Dr. Gottman in his book
´´The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work´´ says; ´´From knowledge
springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who
have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope
with stressful events and conflict.´´ Probably, if this couple may have the
opportunity to apply this principle, how much perspective they could have about
their relation. The stormy day probably
will beat their family, but I think it is time for them; instead they spend
their time about thing they could use not to face those adversities. Other
exhortation Gottman makes for those couple who are not thinking about the
fondness and admiration, he advises; ´´Fondness and admiration are two of the
most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily
married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s
personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of
honor and respect. They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their
Sound Relationship House intact and preventing betrayal. If fondness and
admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible.´´
References
Gottman,
John (2015) The Seven Principles for
Making Marriage Work. New York, Harmony
No comments:
Post a Comment