Cope wisely the conflict in your relationship (by B. Gregory)

Many of all destructive behaviors in marriage arise for a lack of communication, but when anger is a part of the conflict it may complicate the situation, especially for those who never know how to cope this behavior. As we decide to create a family, we assumed unanimously to put our individuality for the common interest. However, certain of those feelings we consider important at the beginning of our relationship may decrease in intensity and value.

In our relation we face different issues, but there is a principle that may repair our disillusion, strength our character and increase our hope; this principle is forgive each other. President James E. Faust said; ´´If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being. Some recent studies show that people who are taught to forgive become less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed, which leads to greater physical well-being. Another of these studies concludes that forgiveness … is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves.´´

Learning how to resolve conflict is one of the most important skill couple may learn to strength their marriage, but the formula may be not duplicated, because; for our individuality the conflict may cope differently. Gottman says; ´´Every marriage is a union of individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it’s no wonder that even in very happy marriages spouses must cope with a profusion of marital issues. Some conflicts are just minor irritants, but others can seem overwhelmingly complex and intense. Too often couples feel mired in conflict or distance themselves from each other as a protective device.´´

Conflict may be resolved and perpetual, but once you are able to identify and define your distinct controversies, you’ll be able to personalize your handling approaches, depending on which of these two characters of conflict you’re having. The author of ´´The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work´´ provides an interesting key to identify solving problems, he says; ´´One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones. That’s because when you argue over a solvable problem, your focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation. There is no underlying conflict that’s fueling your dispute.´´ The identification of the problem is the first way to cope with it, because all our attention turn around it, while the perpetual conflict the perception is different. Nevertheless, Gottman argues; ´´ Unfortunately, the majority of marital conflicts fall into this category—69 percent, to be exact.´´ Imagine a couple who want to resolve each single conflict in their marriage. Some of our conflicts are latent, while other may be a part of routine. I think the concept the couple has about problem solving may strength their relationship, constant process. Where I am positioning from a conflict reflects the maturity I have and attitude to solve it. Therefore, I agree when Gottman says; ´´Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.´´ More often we claim for empathy, but in solving problem empathy is not a bad method if both partners may see the controversy from his or her perspective of other. Sadly, less are those who are able to put themselves in their partner´s shoes, because it requires a perfect listening to  what your partner says, and then to communicate. Commonly when conflict arises it can affect our perspective about the relationship, erode our illusion and annihilate our desire, love and dream. But, according psychologist Dan Wile in his book ´´After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner … you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.”

Gottman argues; ´´ Simply because a problem is solvable doesn’t mean it gets resolved. If a couple doesn’t possess effective techniques for conquering a solvable problem, it can cause excessive tension.´´ The effective techniques Gottman suggests to conquer a solvable problem are:

1- Make sure your start-up is soft rather than harsh.

2- Learn the effective use of repair attempts.

3- Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding,

4- Learn how to compromise.

5- Become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections.

As the couple strive to practice the following advice and they are likely to find that solvable problems no longer interfere with their marital happiness.

References

Gottman, John (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, Harmony