Find joy with your in-laws (by B. Gregory)

More often the secrecy of how we can relate to our in-laws can be a source of tension in any relationship; however, understanding the aspects of a good coexistence can significantly reduce the various harmful elements that can affect that relationship.

In the Article, ´´Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families´´ Harper and Olsen share, ´´This may be difficult for daughters who have close relationships with their mothers. Marriage, to be successful, requires married daughters to share more with their husbands than with their mothers. This can be hard for mothers who want daily communication with daughters and for daughters who feel guilty about limiting contact with mothers. Too much contact with the daughter could result in the son-in-laws feeling that his spousal relationship is being smothered.´´ I have someone who was victim about mother´s influence in his marriage, in spite they had a great relationship to her wife who was her best friend at school for more than ten years, and I never imagined they could divorce. Sometimes, in-laws could be the woodworm for a relationship, instead a peacemaker.

Rick, one of my companions observes his hard time with her mother in-law and his brother in-law is about how she involved in his life and the intensity of her communication to her wife, while his brother in-law talked hardly with him. Another peer, consider the issue is about financial decision, where his husband consider important to provide some money to her family as she get paid. In spite those sources of pressure that can create fear, anger frustration, and resentment, the problem can fix. Perhaps for some it could take time, while for other destroy their marriage.

In my opinion, before any compromise it is important to identify some subtle comportment that may be a source of tension in our marriage, and be able to evaluate how your goal is in your marriage, for some it appears easier to radicalize Genesis 2:24 ´´Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh´´ Nevertheless, the context of this verse just help the couple identify and understand his priority. It is important to make objectively your goal, for example I know some couple who decide to assume some responsibility at the beginning of their marriage, for example to avoid loneliness, one of them may decide to take with them a brother or sister at home. Nevertheless, that decision may have a n long effect when this couple bear their own children. Probably it could be worst if your purpose is not reachable, and you decide whether you'd like to modify it and keep the relationship with the in-law, I think being flexible may help us identify what is possible to change or not. Even if it is better to keep alive the relationship, but it is relevant to adjust until you assess new goal. Those goals may have a purpose to provide a healthy alternative, for examples you can decide to support my spouse in dealing with his parents, or make sure my children appreciate time with our grandparents.

Probably, one of the most common errors some couple tends to make in his relationship is never set boundaries. However, boundaries may be both physical and emotional. An example of physical boundary, some months ago, a friend of mine visits her parents, while there, she called her husband to tell him that she will not be able to get home this day. That call is not only frustrating for his husband in this moment, it seeds discord and complain, I also think the excessive phone calls may be a source of pressure, even if it is not a problem when my wife calls his parents. For the emotional boundary, it may be warning to talk not about your parents’ behaviors or issues in your conversation or discussion. It is important for couple avoid any kind of expression or critic that may denigrate their in-laws, especially when they are not present. To conclude, ascertain your new goal warns and regulates all of your synergies. If you assume to elevate the quality of the time your parent pass with your children or your couple, do not hesitate to do so. Never think your parent will turn to you with love and affection and feeling disappoint or resentful if you are disregarded. Instead, remember that behavior was left over from your former goal of waiting your parent to treat you nicer, but it's not useful for you.

Meet our Family needs through our Councils (by B.Gregory)

In an occasion the Savior taught, ´´For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish´´ (Luke 14: 28-30). I never forgot the time I read these verses and how they impacted my life and my conception about planning.  Taking this teaching in Family concept could be the best way to implement this principle in our Family Council that may help us put the foundation of problem solving, the foundation of love, kindness, patience, tolerance; it is through our council we may evaluate our progression as family and be able to implement or improve ourselves as couple.

Planning has always been one of the characteristics of God, according to the Scriptures, we read before the creation of the world there was a Great Council presided by Elohim, who presented a perfect plan in which his children could come on the earth, obtain a body and then will return in his presence. Although nobility and humility reigned among those who are willing to support the Plan of the Father, which had one of its purposes to preserve the free will of the children of men to enable them to progress. But, it was where we learned about the beginning of our opposition in mortality.

Our Heavenly Father invites us to be like Him, it was through this request we recognize our potential and characteristic as we follow Him we could be and do the same thing He did. Our family council provides us opportunity to plan and resolve any issues we may face as family, but it is important to recognize which way we face. Elder M. Russell Ballard says, ´´A family council, when conducted with love and with Christlike attributes, will counter the impact of modern technology that often distracts us from spending quality time with each other and also tends to bring evil right into our homes.´´ I doubt not in our Family Council our leadership may improve and the power of the priesthood manifest. Nevertheless, Elder Ballard suggests at least four types of family councils:

First, a general family council consisting of the entire family.

Second, an executive family council consisting of a mother and father.

Third, a limited family council consisting of parents and one child.

Fourth, a one-on-one family council consisting of one parent and one child.

In spite all those suggestions, the main point is seeking for the Holy Ghost,  like Elder Henry B. Eyring says; ´´Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony. The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne.11:29). It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls.´´

Stop using the red flags of flirtation in your marriage (by. B. Gregory)

Stop using the red flags of flirtation in your marriage

Being selfish and egocentrism may be one of the main reason some people misunderstand the effect of the flirtation. I also think the manner we were educated may influence in that attitude, however my understanding about this sacred commandment ´´to be one flesh´´ constitute my Northern to face that situation, I am not exonerated to find me in a situation that may affect my marriage, if I am not nurturing the fondness of my relationship continuously.

Flirtation can lead to infidelity and destroy a marriage like a woodworm. Laura presented a Formula that I find interesting to explain the result of the slippery slope to disaster that is the sum of vulnerability, opportunity and one dumb decision. When a marriage face dissatisfaction, financial pressures, stress, lack of mental, emotional and physical boundaries those situation or behaviors constitute the vulnerability of that relationship, but this couple more often use his/her workplace, social media, conventions to escape them that may create a certain opportunity to flirting, fantasizing, dressing provocative, texting, being alone with your opposite sex you feel attracted to or seeking opportunities to be together. Therefore, one way to prevent a disaster is reducing our vulnerability, that I think the Seven Principles Gottman provided in his book may be a great instrument to achieve that.

In my opinion our parenthood can help our children become resilience to be prepared for those issues. My wife and I make sure to synchronize the manner we educated our children, we support each other in our decision making, perhaps one of us may be wrong in our actuation, but we never disputed each other decision towards our children to create confusion. We also strive to help them never become addicted to any approbation. More often the flirtation takes relevant when the couple face some situation, which may be emotional, intimacy and others; instead to communicate to his/her spouse about the issue, the resentful couple or the offender prefer involved a new partner, worse when this new one is an opposite sex. I find interesting what Gottman says, ´´A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions.´´

 I also recognize when you feel afraid to talk about your wife or respond to our opposite sex about your marriage, it may constitute a red flag. In my own case, I have a great esteem for my wife, she is my priority in all I do and will do. When I have conversation with my opposite sex, I am not afraid to mention those qualities and attributes that characterize my wife; she is my reference to talk about fidelity, virtue, kindness, comprehension, responsibility, service, love, I often find those qualities that fix to her. Therefore, after each conversation I may have to my opposite sex I felt my relationship became stronger and regenerated. Before I got married, in a conversation I had with my wife, I asked her, ´´Are you jealous? Three times, twice she responded negatively, but the third time I formulated my question, she responded, ´´until you do not do something that will provoke it´´ It could be not wise to ask her enumerate a list that may cause that, because my conscience tells me exactly when I stand for on the sand. 

President Ezra Taft Benson said, ´´If you are married, avoid flirtations of any kind. Sometimes we hear of a married man going to lunch with his secretary or other women in the office. Men and women who are married sometimes flirt and tease with members of the opposite sex. So-called harmless meetings are arranged, or inordinate amounts of time are spent together. In all of these cases, people rationalize by saying that these are natural expressions of friendship. But what may appear to be harmless teasing or simply having a little fun with someone of the opposite sex can easily lead to more serious involvement and eventual infidelity.´´ Nevertheless, President Benson gave us some questions to identify those red flags, ´´Would my spouse be pleased if he or she knew I was doing this? Would a wife be pleased to know that her husband lunches alone with his secretary? Would a husband be pleased if he saw his wife flirting and being coy with another man?

It is common for those who flittering claim she or he acts like that because he or she lacks of empathy, probably it is where the confusion. Empathy never leads us to harm other; instead this concept helps us to put you in the other shoe. Like Victor Cline states; “Love is presented as a physical thing and nothing more. Movies legitimize adultery, infidelity, and immorality because ‘the physical attraction is so beautiful.’ All they are doing is justifying irresponsibility, telling us that passion overwhelms and justifies all. Well, in my view this is an antisocial message, destructive and Satanic in impact. It degrades love, and it is destructive of human personality and male-female relationships.´´

Maintaining active our Marital Poop Detector (by B. Gregory)

Some years ago, some friends and I went on a trip to a village to beat us from the Caribbean heat. Once our time approached to go in the pool, one of our friends left the group, time later my friend returned and ready to bathe. He seemed nervous and joyful, he did walk around the pool, minutes later, he threw himself into the deepest part of the water; obviating a warning from people who did not know to swim by not jumping on this area of the pool. It was a horrible scene for my friend, where his inability to swim has been challenged on the water. I noticed his sudden and desperate movements, I also realized that my friend did not know to swim, without questioning I threw myself into the water and took him out. Afterwards, I asked him, could you tell me the reason for throwing in the water if you did not know to swim, he answered me; ´´I thought the water was not deep, because I did take a bath more often in other pool.´´

Could it be the illusion that my friend had of the water at this moment that caused him to throw himself in the water? Or maybe he trusted to his previous experience of bathing in other pools? Comparing my friend´s situation in marriage, more often couple struggle with situation they have control and other time not. Thinking about my friend ability, he´s so smart playing baseball, basket-ball and checkers, but not enough to swim. If he considered his ability to coordinate with us about his incapacity to swim form the beginning, probably he could take that opportunity to learn how swimming. Thinking about what Gottman says; ´´In satisfying relationships, partners incorporate each other’s goals into their concept of what their marriage is about. These goals can be as concrete as wanting to live in a particular kind of house or to attain a certain academic degree.´´ Our capacity to swim may contribute to our friend weakness to do so. Neverthesss, his lack of prevention make unclear his purpose. Prevention has always been the most important factor to reduce unnecessary expenses, or losses due to the excess purchase of perishable products. The verb prevent ´´act in anticipation´´ from Latin praeventus, past participle of praevenire ´´come before, anticipate, hinder´´ I am not so wise to prevent all, but wisely to avoid all I can. Commonly I heard ´´A cautious person is worth two´´ or ´´Prevent is worth more than cure.´´ Is it possible to think about prevention in Marital Behaviors? The response is yes. For some couples, struggling with disagreement may be harmful and stressful, while others may find it as new way to improve their relationship. Couples may always have in mind two kinds of disagreements perpetual and solvable problems. It is important their identification and learn how to face them. About perpetual disagreements Gottman says; ´´But when partners can’t find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements, the result is gridlock…. Each becomes more deeply entrenched in his or her position, making compromise impossible.´´

For maintaining active our Marital Poop Detector we need to be comprehensive to each other, be able to recognize your partner perspective and goals can contribute in this effort. You need to make a choice, a choice to be teachable, be patient and consistence in our effort to improve our relation. Remember our level of compromise are correlated to our satisfactions Gottman argues about that when he says; ´´Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations. Increase our charity to each other may induce in our preparation to maintain actively our Marital Poop Detector I would like concluding with this quote by Elder Marvin J. Ashton when he said; "Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and short comings; having patience with someone who has let us down."

Cope wisely the conflict in your relationship (by B. Gregory)

Many of all destructive behaviors in marriage arise for a lack of communication, but when anger is a part of the conflict it may complicate the situation, especially for those who never know how to cope this behavior. As we decide to create a family, we assumed unanimously to put our individuality for the common interest. However, certain of those feelings we consider important at the beginning of our relationship may decrease in intensity and value.

In our relation we face different issues, but there is a principle that may repair our disillusion, strength our character and increase our hope; this principle is forgive each other. President James E. Faust said; ´´If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being. Some recent studies show that people who are taught to forgive become less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed, which leads to greater physical well-being. Another of these studies concludes that forgiveness … is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves.´´

Learning how to resolve conflict is one of the most important skill couple may learn to strength their marriage, but the formula may be not duplicated, because; for our individuality the conflict may cope differently. Gottman says; ´´Every marriage is a union of individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it’s no wonder that even in very happy marriages spouses must cope with a profusion of marital issues. Some conflicts are just minor irritants, but others can seem overwhelmingly complex and intense. Too often couples feel mired in conflict or distance themselves from each other as a protective device.´´

Conflict may be resolved and perpetual, but once you are able to identify and define your distinct controversies, you’ll be able to personalize your handling approaches, depending on which of these two characters of conflict you’re having. The author of ´´The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work´´ provides an interesting key to identify solving problems, he says; ´´One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones. That’s because when you argue over a solvable problem, your focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation. There is no underlying conflict that’s fueling your dispute.´´ The identification of the problem is the first way to cope with it, because all our attention turn around it, while the perpetual conflict the perception is different. Nevertheless, Gottman argues; ´´ Unfortunately, the majority of marital conflicts fall into this category—69 percent, to be exact.´´ Imagine a couple who want to resolve each single conflict in their marriage. Some of our conflicts are latent, while other may be a part of routine. I think the concept the couple has about problem solving may strength their relationship, constant process. Where I am positioning from a conflict reflects the maturity I have and attitude to solve it. Therefore, I agree when Gottman says; ´´Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.´´ More often we claim for empathy, but in solving problem empathy is not a bad method if both partners may see the controversy from his or her perspective of other. Sadly, less are those who are able to put themselves in their partner´s shoes, because it requires a perfect listening to  what your partner says, and then to communicate. Commonly when conflict arises it can affect our perspective about the relationship, erode our illusion and annihilate our desire, love and dream. But, according psychologist Dan Wile in his book ´´After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner … you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.”

Gottman argues; ´´ Simply because a problem is solvable doesn’t mean it gets resolved. If a couple doesn’t possess effective techniques for conquering a solvable problem, it can cause excessive tension.´´ The effective techniques Gottman suggests to conquer a solvable problem are:

1- Make sure your start-up is soft rather than harsh.

2- Learn the effective use of repair attempts.

3- Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding,

4- Learn how to compromise.

5- Become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections.

As the couple strive to practice the following advice and they are likely to find that solvable problems no longer interfere with their marital happiness.

References

Gottman, John (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, Harmony

Recognize the woodworm of pride (by B. Gregory)

Professor Bradley Barnett says; ´´I have realized that pride first starts in our own individual hearts and then begins to have influence in our marriage and finally can significantly impact our [Church membership] and other relationship we may have´´ (Cursive added). Personally of all destructive behaviors for the human race without doubt, pride is one that many people understand less and manifest more in their relation. Not because we do not know his manifestations in others and his harmful effect in family, community or politic classes. More often those who affect by this emotional virus tend to refuse or accept that it is so. Nevertheless, when the possessor of this behavior fails in admitting the needs to change or accept his condition, the consequences can create resentment in the victimizer.

In this article I am not going to analyze about the entire manifestations of pride, instead I will expose some of his faces until we understand better how this feeling can harm our life, and those people that we love. Once that two people decide to get marriage or create his own family, it´s because unanimously accepting to be one person. However, over time certain feelings that have been valuable tend to lose their value. Before we get married we make sure to complain the need of that person, while when we get into it is hard to share the whole of you for that person. Through those following points, we can evaluate if we are prideful or not.

I

ndividualism: One of them is the individualism, I remember at the beginning of my marriage how easier for my wife to use the personal pronoun ´´we´´ while it´s difficult for me to do so. After I mastered in my ´´we´´, my perception about our relation change automatically. Bind our difference to build our whole. Once our view of self is increasing, we become self centered. We tend to perceive not the different point of as something natural, but as a personal attack. Therefore our response to every situation is one of defensiveness because we feel attacked even if we simply disagree over the most minor problems.

Fault-finding: People suffering from the pride syndrome are very susceptible to discovering and looking for the faults of others. They work 24/7 in their production area, because pride wants them innocent than others, a pride filled person has an expertise a finding fault in others, while they deny the beam in their own eyes.

Defiance their spouse influence: Another scaffolding of pride is the impossibility of letting the other be part or influence our lives. When we cling to the principles of humility our capacity to be one increase, we will be more willing to accept the advice of our spouse; therefore as we consider we are better than our spouse, we block all kind influence by them.

Disregard of the commitment of others: The most difficult thing knows that other is not able to satisfy their needs. Pride filler people tend to be possessive, this tendency greatly influences the way they perceive others. We are very cold in front the needs of others, because we do not recognize it. As we are so focused on self that we no longer see the struggles, challenges, hurts, needs and failures of others.

Addiction to attention: Pride filler people requires attention, because we believe to be important than other. We want to be centered of the whole that succeed around us. For example, for prideful spouse if any event like ill, accident or something else affect the other, instead paying attention how to assist the other, a pride filler spouse immediately thinks about how that will be an inconvenience him/her and not their spouse. Their own interests come first and always first.

Never recognize they are wrong: Probably one of the most difficult characteristic of prideful people is recognizing something is wrong. Normally his attitude may characterize for two points; the first one they may not be able to see they are wrong and second they are not willing to admit their error even when they know it is there, they always find a way to justify them.

Incapacity to perceive opposing viewpoints. In Proverb, we read; ´´Don´t be wise in our own opinion´´ but, differently pride makes us thinking as king. However, all who perceives the world differently than us are wrong. Probably it may subtle outside of our marriage. When we oppose or compel our spouse cannot think differently than you, it is a sign of pride. Difference never means not, it may be the unique way to complete what we think.

Lack of spirit of sacrifice and submission. It is easier to perceive that tendency, because they tend acting to our own way. While marriage requires that we sacrifice our individual dreams and desires for the well being of the relationship. It also requires us to differ our decisions to one another in order for the union to embellish. Pride persuades us that sacrifice is down us and docility is irrelevant.

Never asking for help, always expecting for it: Pride filler person tend to overvalue all, which increase the possibility to make us ask for assistance. Even if we can perceive something as our weaknesses, we often think other may see that and do what we expect to them. Other need to see like us even though we don´t say anything about.

Refusal to submit: It could be difficult for a prideful person to recognize her situation may need the intervention of a professional. Nevertheless, prideful couple may consider not important or humble sufficiently to hear wise counsel of a professional, in case we attended counseling, we simply go so our point can be approved.

As we recognize the difference face pride may manifest in our marriage, it could be easier to prepare and face it. Certain small things we can do are learning to say pardon, serve each other without any expectation in return; recognize and apologize when something good is done. Support each other in their goals and challenges. Criticizing less; seek constantly the best way to express love and demonstrate kindness. Those and more characteristics may add while we increase together.

References

Gottman, John (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, Harmony

Reinforce your emotional ties through small gestures (by B. Gregory)

Success is a constant accumulation of small things. However, the tendency of many people is enlighten to do great things in an interrupted manner within a long period of inactivity, while more often their needs and wants to each other are unsatisfied. Where I currently live, this way of proceeding is constantly perceiving daily, including it makes part of some political strategic class use to get popularity; sometimes they may deny during its long period of government some primordial works, nevertheless when the electoral period approaches they intensify the accomplishment or realization for some electoral promises, frequently the execution of those projects tend to lack quality and durability. However, the moral "little by little the bird makes its nest" is nonexistent.

Gottman in his Book ´´The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work´´ urges some wise counsels that every couple may apply to reach their happiness goal. In a research he realizes, Gottman finds the important to do fewer act constantly; he says, ´´Our research confirms the central role that bids play in a relationship. In our six-year follow-up of newlyweds, we found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner’s bids an average of 86 percent of the time in the Love Lab, while those who ended up divorced had averaged only 33 percent.´´ The great changes that humanity is experiencing today have been the fruit of small flames of discoveries, whose discoverers by their enthusiasm ignited these small flames. Imagine the cluster of small gestures or bids within your daily relationship

I realize people who are able to overcome the adversities and difficulties of life has a better prepared emotionally, spiritually and economically and often understand the principle of continuous preparation, consistence, enthusiastic and self-discipline. While I think about the value of time, I discovered that the most valuable moment I had, frequently some members of my family are involved. Perhaps, it could be pathetic the example of the importance of time, that the fabulist Jean LaFontaine demonstrated in this story "The Cicada and the Ant". This story provides a beautiful moral that I may apply in a couple relationships; "Whoever wants to have a good winter, while there´re young, should take advantage of time." Let me adapt this moral with the concept of the family and its importance, "Whoever wants to pass eternity with his family, while they get married, they must take time to develop the attributes that would allow them to achieve this goal after this life.”

In our constant efforts to be self-sufficient we can learn the principles that would allow us to strengthen our marriage bonds. Gottman describes this effort as our emotional bank account. How was this account opened? And what should we do to keep it open always to meet our needs? What are some things that can affect our efforts to increase our emotional savings? Through ´´The Cicada and the Ant´´ story we learn sooner or later we will face the winter, where the heat that characterizes our spring relationship can cool down, without our reserve in our emotional bank account it would be difficult to maintain the heat and the source of life that could strengthen our relationship.

Gottman says; ´´In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life.

References

Gottman, John (2015. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, Harmony