Put a positive spin on your marriage’s (by B.Gregory)

Some months ago, I talked with a young couple who faced some situations they considered abnormal in their relation. According their words the day they did not have some conflicts it´s probably because a worse situation will come, for them every single problems are part their daily bread, said the young spouse, while the husband stated, ´´I am afraid when my wife keep silence with me.´´ Their lack of communication is not anything scare when they stay home together; they often prefer activities that may help them avoid conflict when they are at home, for example watch videos on YouTube, or chat to some friends on Whatsapp or Facebook, in other case they involves themselves in specific activity where the other is not so relevant.

As I may observe from outside this couple face some poisonous behaviors in their relationship, like pride, resentment, hatred, manipulation, disrespect, emotional and verbal violence that erode their matrimony. Worst none of them felt sufficiently strong to accept their errors, and restart. When I heard them, they continuously focus in the other as the responsible of the deterioration of their relationship, none of them are responsible. This couple can be an example for several other couples who have similar situation. Therefore, I like this admonition made by Joe J. Christensen, when he exhorted us; ´´Avoid ceaseless pinpricking. Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become.

“‘Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage. … Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive”  (p. 19).

My question, can I consider the lack of any plan will lead them to the brink of failure? If there is something they should do to save their marriage, what would it be? To respond to those questions, I like what Dr. Gottman in his book ´´The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work´´ says; ´´From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.´´ Probably, if this couple may have the opportunity to apply this principle, how much perspective they could have about their relation.  The stormy day probably will beat their family, but I think it is time for them; instead they spend their time about thing they could use not to face those adversities. Other exhortation Gottman makes for those couple who are not thinking about the fondness and admiration, he advises; ´´Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their Sound Relationship House intact and preventing betrayal. If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible.´´

References

Gottman, John (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, Harmony

When we act faithfully, we can overcome our selfishness (by B.Gregory)

Recently, I have the opportunity to talk with some young men and women, who I consider intelligent, handsome, beautiful, dedicate in their studies and their job. But, as I pay attention at the beginning of our conversation, I say to me those youngest possess some basics qualities to have their own families; in contrast I also observe during our discussion they prioritize more their wants, instead their needs, for example, having their cars, get enough money in their account, be able to travel to others countries, conclude their studies or mastering in a specific area and get a better employment. After I hear them meticulously, my conception and judgment about their visions increases my curiosity to learn more about what they really want in this life that worth. I just limit to understand what they consider more relevant for them, until I ask them if they are thinking to get married; I am surprising none of them are able to give me an answer that may help me change the misconception I have about them. Marriage is not our priority, said them. To justify their response they talk about infidelity, divorce rate, cohabitation and other, they agree as they have money and can provide for themselves, they can get married when they want, some consider the most important is having their children, while other perceive having any children are optional, but it is not an obligation.

I also discover the images projected in different media about family continue to alter the perception this generation has about what family really is. Family is the most important institution of our society; nevertheless this institution has been attacked by the evil and his servants, until it arrives to confuse those who are called to defend his importance. Today, more and more people consider marriage as an optional institution. While one of the greatest decisions we can take in mortality and eternity may affect our happiness in this life and the life to come. I consider one of my duties is provided support for those who want to have and preserving a faithful family.

President Kimball taught; “We need an unspoiled companion who will not count our wrinkles, remember our stupidities nor remember our weaknesses; … we need a loving companion with whom we have suffered and wept and prayed and worshipped; one with whom we have suffered sorrow and disappointments, one who loves us for what we are or intend to be rather than what we appear to be in our gilded shell.” I think this point mark a hit in this generation about how they perceive marriage.

Our imperfection may contribute enormously in our effort to strength our family. Therefore Dr. Gottman says; ´´How you think about your partner influences how you treat them. By focusing on the positives of your marriage such as the good moments from your past and your partner’s admirable traits, you put positive energy into your relationship.´´ I also recognize the best manner to maintain something good is performed it continuously. I am so grateful about this admonition the Savior made in Luke 14: 28-30 about previous preparation; “For which of you, intending to build a tower (marriage, relationship, family), sitteth not down first and counteth the cost (plan, goals, attributes, values, qualities, talents, mission, vision, objective), whether he have sufficient to finish it? Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation (get married, have a family), and is not able to finish it (divorce, dispute, querel, violence, infidelity), all that behold it begin to mock him (Satan and his servants), Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish.”

Those wolves may destroy your marriage (by B. Gregory)

I often heard this phrase life is a continuous struggle. Nevertheless, people may tend to pronounce it in different occasions that may vary from one circumstance to other. Perhaps the way they react when these adverse situations arise will tell how prepared they were for. Their personal character or patterns may mold their disposition to be optimism. After marriage, I do not believe there is a more important relationship in life that requires more preparation to survive for this life, and even more after this.

Sadly, a lot of did not achieve this noble aspiration, for allowing themselves to be devoured by some wolves, which often stalk their prey. Elder Bruce C. Hafen referred to three kinds of wolves every marriage need to struggle. The first wolf mentioned by Elder Hafen is natural adversity, the second wolf is own imperfections and the third is excessive individualism.

The first wolf of adversity is inevitable, because it is part of mortality. But, we also learn through adversity, troubles, and distress we acquire many experiences that may lead to spiritual growth. Prophet Jeremiah taught; ´´ for I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.´´¹ the peace promised here is not like the world, the Savior to her disciples with that ´´ Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.´´² Through the Savior´s peace in our adversity we can learn how being dependent to our Heavenly Father.

Many couples who face the second wolf, tends to ruin their emotional life, including their spiritual life. The wolf of our own imperfections often focuses in our ability to talk negatively to others. It is easy to identify, but so difficult to kill in our life, because less we project to yourself when we face it. Elder Hafen shares an experience, where he says; ´´One woman told him through her tears how her husband’s constant criticism finally destroyed not only their marriage but her entire sense of self-worth. He first complained about her cooking and housecleaning, and then about how she used her time, how she talked, looked, and reasoned. Eventually she felt utterly inept and dysfunctional.´´ I think the wise counsel of King Benjamin may be helpful in our strategies to kill the second wolf, when he taught; ´´I say unto you that as I have been suffered to spend my days in your service, even up to this time, and have not sought gold nor silver nor any manner of riches of you; I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.´´³ Instead you destroy other, you can create an environment where this person may feel a little self-confidence in his relationship, and be able to develop his talents, virtues or attribute they didn´t know before.

The wolf of excessive individualism characterize our society, I think more and more people lose interest in their relationship, because they prefer to maintain that individualistic constantly. I recognize our individualistic character may be respected in every relation, but marriage is not a contractual relation, where each partner assumes 50% in their responsibility, once I do my part, I am not able to concede aspic to my part.  However, if we look at our relationship from an eternal perspective, it would be easier to develop the eternal attributes that characterize this relationship.

To conclude, as we strive to live according the God´s principles, our possibility to kill those wolves in our marriage may take time, but it is evident we will be victorious in our constant effort.

Reference

1- Jeremiah 29:11

2- John 14:27

3- Mosiah 2: 12, 17

4- Hafen C. B.  (1996) Covenant Marriage. Proceedings from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints General Conference: Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng

Divorce: A poisonous tool for the emotional health (by B.Gregory)

Divorce was relatively infrequent and difficult to get before 1970. Nevertheless, the different changes in the law and society can demonstrate why the rate of divorce has increased, and why it may growth more. More often the couple that is looking for constant perfection from her mate may be created a source of frustration, instead to perform her relationship. Nevertheless, effective communication can create a healthy environment for the couple to face their issues. We also have the lack of fidelity as other tool the evil may use to erode the family. Elder David B. Haight (1984) said; “I find that too many people talk right through each other rather than to each other.” He concludes: “The lack of communication brings on drinking, infidelity or physical or mental abuse. …“For many, there is a lack of tolerance, an inability to bear discomfort or to recognize that they’re not perfect and neither is their mate.” (“Why So Many Marriages Fail,” U.S. News & World Report, 20 July 1981, pp. 53–54.)

Another point, to consider is sometimes divorce consequence tends to be generational, like Sister Elaine Walton (2002) said; ´´Research shows that children of divorced parents suffer in numerous ways, but one of the most profound effects is the impact on a child’s later marriage. What children see and experience during the failing marriage of their parents can become part of their view of themselves and of society.´´ Normally, divorce tends to agitate the whole family emotionally, spiritually and physically, reduce their harmony, interrupts the sympathy between the couple, worst may reduce the values and concern from parents to their children. During this period, the restructuring of family behaviors may take time; consequently each parent tends to be more concentrated on their wants and needs. That attitude may increase the possibility to avoid their children needs and wants. Other point,  the consequences that emerge unto divorce are unlimited, and it can deeply mark the minds of the couple involved, especially the children. Elder Haight (1984) said; ´´Divorce rarely occurs without immense emotional, social, and financial upheaval. Most people underestimate the alienation, bitterness, disruption, and frustration between a divorcing couples, and among their children, friends, and relatives. Some never adjust to the resulting emotional consequences.´´ It is why I consider the emotional, spiritual and physical suffering of divorced people tends to be incomprehensible. Especially when the bitterness, the resentment still alive even after the couple separated, nevertheless it may worst for those who have children. Like President Gordon B. Hinckley (1991) stated; ´´many in this nation who are lonely, unhappy, insecure, and frustrated which leaves them struggling to provide for their family.´´

References

 - Haight, D. B. (1984, April). Marriage and divorce. Proceedings from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints General Conference: Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/  generalconference/1984/04/marriage-and-divorce?lang=eng

 - Walton E. (2002, August) Children of Divorce. Proceedings from the Church of Jesus

Christ of Latter-day Saints General Conference: Retrieved from

https://www.lds.org/study/ensign /2002/08/children-of-divorce?lang=eng

 - Hinckley, G. B. (1991, April). What God hath joined together. Proceedings from the

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints General Conference: Retrieved from

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1991/04/what-god-hath-joined together?lang=eng

The how before the right person (by B. Gregory)

Some months ago, while a handsome gentleman and I talked about the changes he observed in our society, and how difficult it may be formed his own family. We arrived in a point, where he asked me the following question. ´´What do I really need to know if the person I will get married is the right person.´´ Nevertheless, before I responded him, I asked; ´´Why did you want to get married with a right person? How did you define her? What did expect or look for about this person? He did not hesitate to enumerate some countless qualities and values, at the end of his long and extensive list, my request was; did you have those qualities you mentioned? He responded, not all of them. But, why did you require all those qualities? I said. In spite his because… he was not convincing me. Therefore, I invited him to be diligent and prepare first in those qualities he looks for, before he spent his journey look them from other. We read together Proverbs 21:5; ´´The thoughts of the diligent tend only to plenteousness; but of every one that is hasty only to want´´

Probably this question could be not the same for you, but most people tend to formulate it differently before they initiated a courtship or when they did think about happiness in marriage. However, when I'm referring to happiness in marriage, I am not referring in the exemption of the problems that may arise, instead I have in mind for happiness ´´the ability the couple may have to face any circumstances or challenges successfully and move towards their purpose joyful´´ His enthusiasms was avoiding to ask not first for the right person, but to look for himself if he´s able to consider himself as the ideal person for her partner. Even if, after my warning I could see in his bright eyes certain disconformities and disappointments, he may be expected to elaborate a good list with all the main ingredients to achieve such compatibility in response. However, this has not been the case; happiness is achieved with effort to advance and courage to make the necessary changes in our lives to adapt.

Something I often observe, and I think it will become more controversial topic in our society, the way this generation tend to present ´´love´´ in our music, social media, movies and internet have influenced the way people think about their future spouse can be. However, for the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Days Saints, they should not be so worrisome; repeatedly the Savior invites us to establish our foundation upon the Rock, which is his gospel. After some exchanges, I realized his concern is more about he wants, instead what he really needed. Although, he knew that He needs to seek first the kingdom of God and his justice, and other things come in addition. I felt that he acted like Peter walking on the water, but paying more attention than what happened around him. This feeling helped me to see that we were able to centralize our conversation in a central point that is immovable, and may allow him to perceive the positive side of things. It is better to know who you are before any adventure, so you can be before making any decision before marriage